


and i am the fire and i am the forest and i am the witness watching it

by fujifilms



Series: a burning hill [1]
Category: Gentleman Jack (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, marian being an incredible sister as usual, the aftermath :(
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-09 08:08:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18912964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fujifilms/pseuds/fujifilms
Summary: "A frenzied and clearly sleepless Ann Walker showed up the next morning at the entrance of Shibden Hall. Marian turned her away immediately, not even sending a servant up to ask Anne if she would take any visitors.She stowed the notes sent from the Crow's Nest into a locked drawer in the study. Eight were sent by 2 o'clock. Marian wanted to tear out her hair."The events immediately following 1x05





	and i am the fire and i am the forest and i am the witness watching it

**Author's Note:**

> needed to do a character study after that episode sort of to understand how i feel about everything or how everything is going to progress. mentions of blood, the attack, and just a general warning for heart wrenching situations.

Anne deflated the second she walked into the privacy of her own quarters. Eugénie had brought up the small mirror and tub of water as she had requested, ignoring the looks the other servants gave her as the blood continued to run down her face. She untied her cravat, uncomfortable with the blood sticking to her neck as it pooled in the area where her stiff collar met it. She grimaced as she sat down on the floor, leaning tiredly against the foot of her bed.

A knock sounded at the door.

“Anne?” Marian's muffled voice sounded through the thick wood, “You sent Eugénie back downstairs, I wanted to make sure that you're alright.”

Anne closed her eyes and sighed, the pounding in her head refusing to cease.

“Anne?”

“Yes-” Her voice broke slightly and she cleared her throat. “Yes, Marian. It's nothing serious, I thought I might as well handle it alone.”

She could feel Marian's hesitation at the sound of her rocking slightly on her feet, magnified by the creaking of the floorboards outside of Anne's door. A barely audible sigh. Anne closed her eyes, wincing slightly at the pain from the cut above her right brow. “Of course, Anne.” Marian said, another moment of hesitation trailing after the unconvinced statement. “If you need anything-”

“Thank you, Marian.” Anne cut through before the burning in her throat brought something as undesirable as tears to the sound of her sister's words. The sound of Marian's footsteps retreating only magnified the pain in her head.

Anne brought her hand up to her lips, fingers slipping against the blood that was still flowing from the open wounds. She slowly leaned towards the bucket of warm water Eugénie had brought up and dipped her hand in. She watched as the blood on her fingertips and knuckles slowly swirled away, spreading across the water like trails of ink.

With her other hand, Anne unbuttoned her shirt, stopping at where her waistcoat began. She took a steadying breath and leaned over the bucket, cupping her hands together and allowing some water to fall onto her face. She winced but bit the inside of her cheek as she repeated the motion. Without opening her eyes, she blindly grabbed for the washcloth by the container and dipped it into the water and running it over her face.

The cut left on her cheek by the walking stick the man was carrying had her grunt in pain as she passed the washcloth over it. She dropped the washcloth into the water, breaths now coming out forcefully in pants. Anne tried to suppress any thoughts of the attack. Or Miss Walker. All very unsuccessfully. Somehow a sharper pain began to ebb through her insides, barely giving her enough time to scramble over to her wastebasket in order to cough up the bile and residual blood in her mouth.

Now on her knees, head hanging over her wastebasket, did Anne Lister realize the depths to which she had sunk. Without someone who understood her. Without dignity. The man nearly having his way with her- Anne didn't even react as another wave of nausea rushed over her and made its way into the wastebasket.

She shakily brought up her hand to wipe her mouth with her sleeve. For the first time in her life, for a split second- she wished God hadn't made her like this. That she was normal and ignorant and boring. The physical trauma that she had just bore would fade over time. Yes, it made her blood boil with rage. Yes, it affected her greatly; the idea that someone could brutalize her at any moment. It was something she lived with her entire adult life.

But the pain afflicted to her heart- how does one begin to mend what the women she had loved with her entire being have said to her in angry rushes of cruelty. Anne, who gave her heart, body, and mind to every woman she had pursued. Anne, whose feelings were tossed aside and crushed for appearances sake, second always to a lesser man. These women didn't understand the toll it took for Anne to refuse the norm, and go _with_ her nature rather than against it.

Anne brought the washcloth up to her face again. She thought, that if anyone understood, it would be Miss Walker. Taken advantage of over and over by those who were supposed to protect her. The complete disregard to Anne's feelings-

She stopped herself. Hand now violently shaking with emotions she dare not name out of self preservation. A steadying breath. The water now saturated with Anne's blood looked a shining rouge in the light cast by her window. Not unlike the lipsticks favored by the women Anne had acquainted herself with in Paris.

The washcloth was wrung in the water again and brought up to wipe at her face. The cuts, still open, produced heavy stains on the once white cloth. Ann sat back against her bed when she realized she needed assistance, for her knuckles were beginning to swell with bruises. Just as the thought crossed her mind another knock at the door sounded.

Anne slapped herself internally when she heard Marian's voice, and not Miss Walker like she had foolishly hoped. “Anne- I brought you more water. I know you-”

“Just come in.” Anne snapped against all better judgement.

“Anne-” Marian began but then froze. “What?”

“Before I change my mind!” Anne said, beginning to lose patience already. Lord, this was a mistake.

The door hesitantly opened and Marian walked in slowly, as if trying not to provoke a wild animal. She adjusted the bucket against her hip and leaned back against the door as she closed it in shock when her eyes finally landed on Anne's face.

“Jesus Christ, Anne.” She breathed out. Her eyes took in the still dripping cuts, the blood soaked washcloth, and the saturated water splashed on to the floor. Marian's eyes, wide with disbelief and then inexplicably anger found Anne's. “Who did this?”

“Does it matter right now?”

Marian strode forward across the room and roughly put the bucket down in front of Anne, water sloshing out and soaking more of Anne's floor, before taking her hands. “Of course-” She said, eyes still wild with fury. “We have to report this.”

Anne let out a disbelieving laugh. “Marian, don't be ridiculous. The authorities won't do anything about this.”

_“What the hell do you mean-”_

“Marian, I've made no secret of my inclinations. This attack was a result of-”

“That shouldn't matter!”

“But it does!” Anne's voice broke, despite the fact that she wanted Marian to believe she was unbothered.

Marian took a steadying breath and looked back at Anne with an intensity she'd never seen before. “Then I'll kill him. I'll kill whoever did this to you.”

Anne gaped at Marian, completely at a loss for words. The only thing she could think of doing was squeezing Marian's hands, still clenching her own. She cleared her throat.

“Can you-” Anne brought one hand up to her face and gestured, quite finished with any other emotional declarations for the day.

“Right-” Marian jumped slightly, “Of course.” She brought up a fresh washcloth and thoroughly began to clean off Anne's face from any residual blood or dirt. “You,” She cleared her throat lightly, “You missed Mr. Abbott today for tea.”

“Oh what a tragedy.”

Marian suppressed a smile at the sound of Anne's sarcasm laden voice. “You would've had much to talk about.”

“Oh, I don't doubt it, Marian.” Anne said, visibly trying to hold back a flinch when Marian ran the cloth over her brow.

“He's a nice fellow, Anne. You should've come around-”

“You deserve more than a nice fellow, Marian.” Anne said quietly.

Marian swallowed, remembering the events that actually unfolded at tea and bit on the inside of her cheek. She decided on changing the subject instead. “How did your day at the Crow's Nest go? Is Miss Walker-”

“Don't.”

Marian's eyes snapped up to look at Anne's, clouded with anger and a distant sadness. “What happened?”

 _“Nothing.”_ Anne grounded out. “Nothing happened, nor will continue to happen.” Marian watched as she brought a hand up to clench the fabric at her waistcoat. Marian let out a sigh and tore a piece of bandage to cover one of Anne's cuts.

She let the silence overtake the room as she tended to the visible wounds on her sister. When she finished, she mopped up the water on the floor with an extra cloth and gathered the buckets for Eugénie to pick up later. She stood up to leave taking in Anne with her eyes, still tiredly leaning against the foot of the bed.

“I'm sorry.”

Anne let out a shaky sigh and looked up at Marian with tired eyes, looking much older than Marian had ever seen her look before.

 

* * *

 

A frenzied and clearly sleepless Ann Walker showed up the next morning at the entrance of Shibden Hall. Marian turned her away immediately, not even sending a servant up to ask Anne if she would take any visitors.

She stowed the notes sent from the Crow's Nest into a locked drawer in the study. Eight were sent by 2 o'clock. Marian wanted to tear out her hair.

Ann Walker appeared at the door again at 3 and at 4. Her state looking worse and worse, as Marian could see through the window, every time she had the footman send her back.

“Miss Lister-”

Marian turned at the sound of Eugénie's voice. She inclined her head in the direction of the stairs up to Anne's quarters. Marian let out a sigh.

“Thank you, Eugénie.” She said and made her way up to see Anne.

She knocked on the door and walked in when she heard Anne hum in assent.

“You know- I admire what you're doing, Marian, but I can hear her carriage every time she comes by,” Anne said and turned her head to look at Marian. The bandages were reddened with blood.

Marian looked down at her feet. “I just-”

“I know.” Anne said, not unkindly. “But let me handle myself. I can do it- regardless of the state I'm in currently.” She gave Marian a thin lipped smile when Marian nodded in response. “If she stops by again, let her in.”

“Alright.” Marian said, not even attempting to hide her displeasure. She turned to leave when Anne leaned her head back down against her headboard and closed her eyes.

“Oh- one more thing.” Anne said, peeking one eye open at Marian. “Have Eugénie send up more bandages before Ann's arrival.”

 

* * *

 

Ann let out a gasp at the sight of Anne on the bed, removing the bandages from her face in order to place fresh ones in their stead. The bible Anne had just gifted her the day before tumbled out of her hands and onto the floor as she rushed to Anne, sitting down hastily on the small stool Marian had set up by her bedside. “What- who did this to you?” Ann was near tears, her eyes taking in Anne's injuries. She reached her hand out to touch Anne's face but before making contact, snatching it back as if she had been burned.

Anne just barely managed to hold her tears at bay. “Got into a bit of a scuffle on the way back from the Crow's Nest.”

“Someone attacked you-”

“Yes.” Anne said simply. She looked away from Ann and down at the bruises on her knuckles and at the almost blinding white of the fresh cotton cloth in her hands. “These things can happen to anyone.”

Tears made their way down Ann's face. “I thought it was a rumor.” She whispered. Her hands shakily reached out to cover Anne's, hesitating for a second before making contact.

Anne didn't let herself revel in the comfort and snatched her hands back within seconds. “Don't-” Her voice broke, “You can't even _touch_ me anymore without flinching.”

“That's not true!”

Anne ground her teeth and tilted her head back, closing her eyes. A migraine was forming, more powerful than the one from the night before. “If you're here for me to ease your conscience, leave.”

“That's not-”

“I can't take back everything I've said to you. If you're asking me of that, I won't.”

“I don't want you to take any of it back.” Ann said, her voice pleading. Her hands grappled at the cloth of Anne's nightgown.

“Then what do you want from me!” Anne yelled, watching with pain as the tears in Ann's eyes began to fall in earnest.

Ann took a deep breath, trying to stop herself from hyperventilating. She got off of the stool by Anne's bed and scrambled onto her knees in front of her, still holding on to Anne's nightgown. “I want you to love me again!”

“Don’t you understand! I never stopped!” Anne felt tears slip down her own face for the second time in twenty four hours, stinging the cut on her cheek. “And against all better judgement, I can't!”

Ann let out a heaving sob and rested her head in Anne's lap. Anne brought a hand up to her own forehead, trying to press the building pain away. Her heart constricted painfully at the sound of Ann's labored breathing in between her sobs. Without thinking, her hands found their way to the nape of Ann's neck and pressed down gently, massaging the area. She watched as Ann choked on her breath slightly and let out a pleased sigh when Anne continued her ministrations.

She trailed her thumb down along the upper area of Ann's spine, feeling her shudder with pleasure. Ann lifted her head to look at Anne. The unspoken emotion in her gaze made Anne avert her eyes. A hand softly caressed the side of her face, carefully avoiding the cuts Anne still hadn't covered. She snapped her eyes back towards Ann.

“What have they done to your handsome face.” Ann whispered, tears falling at the site of Anne's injuries at a closer range.

Anne brought her hand up to rest atop Ann's, still touching her face. She took it and brought it to her lips, gently pressing them down to the palm of Ann's hand. “Nothing that won't disappear in a few weeks. The real damage done yesterday was to my heart, Miss Walker.”

Ann shook at the implication and brought her forehead forward to meet Anne's. “I- I'm-” Her voice broke, unable to go on.

“I know.” Anne whispered and cupped the back of Ann's neck gently. Her thumb brushed the skin under her ear by her jaw. “I know.”


End file.
